My husband has been dating a man for a long time

The Yomiuri ShimbunDear Troubleshooter:

I’m a housewife in my 50s. I’ve learned my husband has been dating a man for a long time.

It came to light when I was on maternity leave from work before and after giving birth to our second child. I learned about my husband’s infidelity from a photo sent to our home to harass me. Although I thought his partner was a woman, he further shocked me by explaining that it was a man.

I made him promise to discontinue his relationship with the man and live as a father for our children. Ever since, I’ve devoted myself to my work, doing household chores and raising our children.

However, I recently happened upon a photo that shows their relationship has continued. Feeling betrayed by him, I was very angry and sad.

My husband has managed our household money, helped me raise our children and worked as a member of the local community. However, he sometimes lied about where he went on business trips and came home very late. Whenever I asked him about such incidents, he skillfully evaded telling the truth. His elusive personality stemmed from his lack of sincerity.

I’m planning to divorce him. I also want to crush him by demanding a considerable divorce settlement and such. How can I live a positive and calm life from now on?

T, Fukuoka Prefecture

Dear Ms. T:

You’ve continued living with your husband as a married couple for a long time after you learned about his homosexuality or bisexuality.

People’s sexual orientation, feelings and affection for others vary quite considerably. So I think your husband can’t be understood and categorized simply as a homosexual.

In a way, your marriage has continued as a result of your choice. You two have cooperated in raising your children together. There must be something only you can understand about him.

Even if you divorce him, don’t hastily summarize your marriage as one big betrayal. If both of you could understand at least a little bit about what you have meant to each other, before you get a divorce, I think it may be more acceptable to both of you.

You won’t move forward in a positive way if you merely count what you lost and blame your husband. You have children, friends, work and many more things that have enriched your life, so you probably can’t say your husband has meant everything to you.

So why don’t you take the stance that your negative experiences have also contributed to cultivating and deepening your human qualities?

This would help you resolve your relationship with your husband and launch a new life that is satisfactory to you. You’re still in your 50s. It’s time for your life as a woman to bloom.

Megumi Hisada, writer

(from Nov. 8, 2015, issue)Speech

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