I’m dating two men and can’t decide which one to be with

The Yomiuri Shimbun Dear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 20s. I’m in a relationship with two men and can’t decide which one I should choose.

One of them is my boyfriend of two years. Though it’s now a long-distance relationship, because I moved last autumn, we’re still on good terms.

I met the other man after I moved. Although he’s only 30, he’s lost his parents and elder brother, and has no family.

The former can live without me, as he has a family and a good job. The latter has nobody. He’s told me he wants to be with me and I’ve started to think about moving in with him.

I never thought I could marry anyone. But now I strongly feel that I want to make him happy and see him smile. Yet I’m not confident enough about whether he could really be happy with a woman like me. Doesn’t he deserve someone better?

I know this is something I should decide by myself and I think I’ve already made that decision. The problem is, I can’t take that additional step forward.

I really hope they will both be happy. I need somebody to reprimand me because I’m so irresponsible and indecisive.

N, Kanagawa Prefecture

Dear Ms. N:

I was concerned when you said you never thought you could marry anyone. I am certain your current predicament is connected to this lack of confidence.

You tend to focus more on their feelings than on your own by saying you want both of them to be happy, or that your boyfriend might deserve someone else.

I feel you rely more on the fact that you are wanted by others, rather than focusing on your own needs.

I assume your feelings have already shifted toward the man you met recently.

But since you aren’t honest with your feelings, nor confident enough to act accordingly, you can’t be decisive in choosing which one to be with.

First, you must become more confident. Then ask yourself once again who you want to be with, not who is more in need of you. You should then be able to make a decision.

Junko Umihara, psychiatrist

(from May 15, 2016, issue)Speech

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