The Yomiuri ShimbunDear Troubleshooter:
I’m a female company employee in my 30s, taking childcare leave from work. I recently learned that my husband, a state university graduate, actually graduated from the night school of the university.
It’s not untrue that the school is a part of the state university, but I’ve been distrustful of him since that time.
I married him about 2½ years ago, after I was earnestly courted by him. I thought I was fortunate to meet such a kind and thoughtful person.
After we married, however, he started reprimanding me in an aggressive tone whenever he felt wronged by me, saying such a thing as, “I am just trying to defend myself as you attack me.” He has also been consistently unwilling to reveal details of his income.
In desperation, I consulted with my husband’s elder brother and his wife. They told me he had kept many things secret from me. One of these was the above detail about his academic background.
I think he should have told me about this before we married. This late revelation makes me feel I was deceived. I dearly love my child and pity this adorable baby for having such a deceitful father.
I have even contemplated divorce. I have been very worried.
T, Hyogo Prefecture
Dear Ms. T:
Although this may have been a matter of concern for you before you married, your husband’s academic background no longer matters.
Rather, it is your husband who has constant regrets about graduating from the state university’s night school and failing to tell you about it. This is most likely the reason why he acts awkwardly and defensively in all of your interactions, keeping things secret from you and easily losing his temper, even during minor conflicts.
This is also probably the result of having to remain consistent with what he told you before you married.
But this is no longer remotely important, especially since your married life has entered the stage at which you have started a family. I suggest you take advantage of this change to rebuild your relationship with him. Otherwise, the person most affected by being forced to go through this crucial early period of life in such an uncomfortable atmosphere is your precious child.
I suggest you and your husband establish new rules for your family life. For example, why don’t you propose equally sharing household responsibilities? Fortunately, you have your own fixed income; you can share living expenses and the burden of saving for your family’s future. You could also divide housework and child-rearing responsibilities equally. This will leave both of you the room to use any of your remaining time and incomes as you please.
You will not be relieved of your worries unless you make very clear rules. You will need to have a strong determination to move forward, for the sake, above all, of your child’s well-being.
Kiyokazu Washida, philosopher