I want to overcome the memories of my affair

The Yomiuri ShimbunDear Troubleshooter:

I’m a housewife in my 50s. I had an affair with a married man for three years. I want to ask your advice about my feelings and desperate desire to go back to that time.

When I was young, I didn’t date a lot and I got married without thinking much about it. My two children are now on their own, and I haven’t shared a bedroom with my husband, who is in his 60s and already retired from work, for nearly 10 years.

I met the partner I had an affair with at an alumni reunion. Our affair was not discovered by either of our families. I had a happy three years, like a dream. But one day, all of a sudden, my partner became cold and eventually sent me an email saying our affair had ended.

Every time I’d met him, I thought it would be our last meeting, so I’ve accepted his words of farewell and cherished our pleasant, happy moments as the best memories of my life.

I don’t want to bother him because I really like him. I want him to think I was a good woman and have good memories of our relationship.

I understand that in my head, but in my heart ... I’m sure it was my last romance. How can I overcome these feelings?

M, Fukuoka

Dear Ms. M:

Why do you need to get over them? Romance involves both sweet and bitter feelings, doesn’t it? I don’t say that romances with only sweet or bitter feelings don’t exist, but they’re rare.

You must have known that from the time you fell in love with him. You now experience the bitter feelings you expected. It must have been what you were expecting.

Whomever you ask, there is no way to help you in terms of your romance. This is a matter between the people in the affair. Even if you ask for advice, you won’t receive responses that will satisfy you, and the people from whom you seek advice will be torn.

There is no solution. So I think a good method is to fully experience your pain and go through it. That is also the best part of romance.

This bitterness is a taste known only to people who experience romance — that’s a privilege.

I will not debate affairs here. Whether you have an affair depends on what you think about adultery. If you’re a sensible adult, you can predict the outcome of your actions. Excuses are totally unacceptable when it comes to extramarital affairs.

Tatsuro Dekune, writer

(from May 19 issue)Speech

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