I can’t bear to look at my cheating, lying husband

The Yomiuri ShimbunDear Troubleshooter:

I’m a woman in my 60s and I’ve been married for more than 30 years to a husband who keeps cheating on me and telling lies.

My parents and relatives opposed our marriage. But I met his boss to ask about his character and decided to marry him anyway because I had faith in him.

However, my husband cheated on me during the time my child was preparing for their high school entrance exam. I grilled my husband about his affair but he just lied to me.

I put up with him at the time for the sake of our child, but he cheated on me again several years later and was seeing a bar hostess.

He was hospitalized once and I found a piece of paper with his cell phone number and email address written on it in his hospital room. He hurriedly hid it away and said that he’d jotted the details down in case he forgot them.

I thought to myself: “He’s lying to me again.” I hate seeing his face and I wish I’d never met him. Worse still, he hurls abuse at me at home but acts normally outside.

I think about divorce whenever he fools around. I also regret getting married in the first place. Please give me some advice.

J, Ibaraki Prefecture

Dear Ms. J:

Given that your husband has frequently cheated on you, there is unfortunately no guarantee that he will change his ways and never cheat on you again.

You’ve already reached a point where you “hate to see his face,” “try to imagine that he doesn’t exist,” and have “divorce on your mind.” So, divorcing him seems to be a reasonable decision.

If you go to court, all I can do is wish you success in the financial and clerical aspects. That’s my conclusion.

I have no advice for you, as you seem to be determined. The question “Why did I marry this person?” may still simmer in your mind, even after you get divorced, but as the saying goes, “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” You should focus on getting a financial settlement, rather than hanging onto the past. Your husband is a duplicitous liar. It’s impossible to predict what the outcome will be.

For your part, you went so far as to meet his boss before getting married — you couldn’t have done anything more. I still wonder why your parents and relatives were all opposed.

But it was you who wanted to marry him, despite their opposition.

You have to admit that you must have had a strong attraction toward your husband.

Soichiro Nomura, psychiatrist

(from June 24, 2018, issue)Speech

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